Hi. I’m back. Though maybe just for a little bit. Last week should have been my fourth wedding anniversary. But, alas, it wasn’t. Because my wife and I are in the process of separating. She has decided, pretty unexpectedly, that she needs to live on her own and no longer be in our relationship of almost 11 years together. And, well, that’s that.
The last couple years have been indescribably tough — as it has been for basically everyone because *waves arms at the universe in general*. Long-buried familial traumas and long-ignored mental health issues were exacerbated by the pandemic. I thought we were starting to finally see some welcome light through the darkness. But instead, she and I were looking for entirely different lights at the end of the tunnel.
I feel utterly dismantled. The future I thought we had waiting for us just doesn't exist anymore. It’s scary and it hurts. Then my least favorite companions insecurity, loneliness and despair start to sidle up and squeeze into the seat next to me.
Also, just as a fun bonus, while my personal life has imploded quite thoroughly my professional life has also experienced its own mini-implosion as well. The economic realities of going from a two-income household to a solo-income single person living alone are not lost on me. Capitalism making my heartbreak even worse is just so on brand for America it’s almost hilarious.
Anyway. I wanted to pop back briefly to thank every single one of you who offered encouraging comments and moral support. Kittens, seriously, it means so much. As terrifying as it is to start over at this age, knowing a community of people who care about LGBTQ+ representation in the media, hot women in tank tops and maybe even little imperfect me is waiting at the other end is a real comfort. Thank you, thank you, thank you, kittens.
I promise to start posting more regularly again, though I am not sure exactly when. I’m trying to feel like I am standing on stable ground once more. Most days, honestly, I just wish I had a river.